A spoof letter from James Caan, the social mobility supremo

Civitas, 6 June 2013

Dear Civitas,

I’ve heard that you’ve published some bits and pieces in the past about social mobility, so I thought you might like to know that I’ve been made ‘Social Mobility Tsar’ by dear old Cleggers.  I’ve replaced the Labour chap, Alan Milburn, who achieved so much in this post.

How did I get the job?  Well, knowing Cleggers helped, I suppose.  And I think the PM must have seen me on the telly.

It’s certainly not because I know the first thing about social mobility, as I’m afraid was all too apparent from my interview on Tuesday this week on the Today programme.  But I winged it, and as one TV personality to another, dear, charming John Humphrys gave me an easy ride.

I came out with all the usual platitudes, trotted out a few Sutton Trust statistics I’d been given, and avoided an awkward question about school selection.  I also added one original idea of my own (that parents should stop helping their children get on in life).  As I told John: “It’s not good to create a society where people get jobs according to who you know.”

Unfortunately, some smart Alec later discovered that I gave my two daughters jobs in companies I control, so I had to go back on radio on Wednesday and explain to Justin Webb that this was purely on merit.

I explained to him that when other people pull strings for their kids, it’s nepotism and I’m determined to stamp it out.  But when I do it, it’s meritocracy, because my daughters were clearly the best candidates.  As I said to Justin, “You should not discriminate against family and friends.”

I think Justin understood (even though I called him Julian).

And now I’m off to stop any more toffs getting into Oxford.  Gordon Brown, eat your heart out.  Wish me well!

Ever yours,

James Caan

Thanks to Peter Saunders for inventing this message from James Caan.