For whom the bell tolls
Anastasia De Waal, 5 June 2010
The beginning of June marks the start of an obligatory period of hushed activity in my family household, writes Annaliese Briggs.
The eerily monastic silence observed by all and sundry is intermittently punctuated with the toll of a bell; but we aren’t being called to prayer-it’s more death knell than sweet chime. Nervous calls from my mother signal that revision time is up and some poor sibling has 3 minutes to comb their hair, find a pencil and run to the school bus-stop. Once they’ve left the house, we can all breathe again.
The anxiety experienced by students nationwide is well-documented, but an advice pamphlet for parents published at the beginning of the month by Relate, ‘the relationship people,’ draws attention to the infectious nature of this seasonal stress. Exams are no longer an individual endeavor. These days they require the combined support of the whole family, and the effects of overcrowded test timetables are weighing heavily on the temperament of parents.
Tips for remaining strong in the face of adversity include: providing small, personalized treats during revision sessions (presumably for both child and parent); avoiding setting up high expectations and conditional prizes; countering the effects of begrudging siblings with ‘nice things,’ and finally, providing a suitable space for your hard-at-work student (i.e. keeping your child out of sight, and out of mind). This is all very well, but imagining ‘it is not them but the stress talking’ whilst your spotty-faced, hormonal and panic-stricken teenager is shouting at you is easier said than done when you’re juggling more than one psyche.
Being told that we all have our different ways of coping is difficult when we don’t understand them. Students, siblings or parents: we all have our own, often antagonistic, strategies. Some, with the determination of an Olympic athlete, run to a strict timetable; some don’t arise till dusk; others survive on a diet of coffee and cigarettes. (As I write this blog, I’m scoffing Jelly Babies to deal with the fast approaching deadline. I’ve eaten so many over the years, I’m surprised I don’t look like one).
Whilst I’m thrilled that Relate have successfully drawn attention to a seemingly recent, and worryingly on the rise, experience that exceeds the expected pangs of parenthood, I struggle to imagine how this advice is practically useful. Not surprisingly, many parents have turned to Mumsnet as a popular source of consolation and commiseration. With advice along the lines of ‘lots of water, also daily exercise-a bit like a puppy, and an ability to tiptoe around a stroppy teenager,’ Mumsnetters have put the ‘relate’ back into relationship therapy. The Mumsnet community is a bit like a giant shoulder to cry on: providing instrumental anecdotes, an empathetic ear and much needed distraction for parents caught in the throes of their former school years.
It appears mums (and dads) enjoy a dollop of personal panache with their therapeutic trawl through online advice sites. So, mine would be this: bulk buy the notepads and pencils, over-order on the convenience food and keep your fingers crossed for a warm summer so that you can escape to the bottom of the garden with a chilled bottle of rosé and an absorbing book.